Dave -The Ultimate Drug Testing Guy 

I know a guy who is a professional drug tester with a really neat attitude towards the invasion of his privacy. He lives in New York City and changes jobs every six months. As a C++ programmer with knowledge of large distributed systems and many other natural languages, he is well known and highly sought after by many fortune 100 companies in Manhattan.

He also has an interesting method of handling his pre-requisite drug testing.

Dave approaches the testing lab dressed in the finest threads with an attaché case in one hand and a really neat yellow Sony tape player in the other. He always arrives at the lab during midday when the clinic is crowded and announces to the desk clerk in a loud Don Pardoe style voice, “Hi, I’m here for a drugs of abuse screening test!” Most of the staff look at him and whisper, “oh God it’s radioman” and people peer out from their little cubicles and offices to take a look at him while he gets dirty or strange looks from the people waiting to be screened who are obviously nervous and understandably embarrassed. Dave takes so many drug tests and fills out so many NIDA approved chain of custody forms that he had a special rubber stamp made handsomely displaying his name and logo, “Dave the Radioman.” He carries his rubber stamper which is self-inking and proudly stamps the forms as many times as he wishes before being seated to await his test.

Finally, the nurse-practitioner calls him and he enters a special bathroom complete with a male attendant ready to watch his penis and the resultant urine stream. What occurs next is the strangest thing I have ever heard. Dave insists that he cannot void a urine sample unless he can hear crashing wave sounds accompanied by the sounds of Japanese flute music (Shakuhachi Zen), especially when he is being watched by an attendant and no running water is allowed in the testing room. Because he is bladder shy he has trained himself to Zen out of the room mentally while standing and waiting for his urine to void into the test cup. That’s why he brings the tape player loaded with his favorite tape.

As he prepares to drop his pants in front of the attendant he goes into a whole deep breathing ritual and begins to perform basic Tai Chi movements in the bathroom much to the amazement of the attendant young man waiting for him to void. As he moves through his relaxation exercises he explains to the poor attendant that he cannot void unless he relaxes his mind and his bladder so the attendant looks on in complete amazement. Dave also makes a mental note if the attendant begins to perspire or has a change in facial coloration. Rosy cheeks and brow perspiration indicates “I’ve got you, you insolent bastard!” If the attendant becomes nervous, Dave begins to chant the magic Aum sound under the guise of relaxing his mind and bladder in a tone that resonates the entire lavatory and beyond.

About ten minutes have passed and Dave has finished the Tai Chi and breathing exercises and now turns on the tape as he begins to feel his bladder is ready to empty. As the lovely music flows from the radio and builds in tempo in the acoustically perfect lavatory he goes into his ritual of removing his pants to allow access to his boxer shorts. Slowly as he is standing with his eyes closed, and chanting the Aum sound, he begins to undo his belt, then his pants button, and finally his zipper in a very methodical fashion. Dave’s pants fall to the floor and he removes his boxer shorts to his knee’s the whole time being in view of the minimum wage flunky who is paid to watch him void his urine.

Dave is not normal physiologically. I am told he is a large man, about six foot five inches with a larger than average size urine-voider surrounded by an unusual amount of body hair--but more to the point he is now holding the cup in his right hand and his manhood in his left visibly shaking it as if in a pre-masturbatory ritual, listening to the music and chanting, “Come on baby, just relax and let it flow, let it flow, come on!” This ritual goes on for another ten minutes and when he finally voids he becomes so elated that he begins to scream at the top of his lungs, Ahhhh, Ahhhhh, Uhhhhh, Uhhhhh, but its not sexual in nature, but more like a bull getting his testicles crunched in a vise. Someone also told me it was as horrible a scream as Dustin Hoffman made in the movie Marathon man where a Nazi doctor drilled his tooth with no anesthesia.

Dave is always sure that enough urine gets into the cup as well as on the floor, all over the cup and some probably lands on the walls of the lavatory as well. With one eye open he carefully watches what he is doing and draws to a finish. When he has emptied his bladder he puts himself back together much like a samurai warrior returns his sword to his scabbard and fixes his attire while mentally composing himself after battle.

Dave kindly hands the attendant the wet cup and pat’s the man on the shoulder, really drying his hands on his uniform and kindly says, “Sorry young man, I know of no other way to give you urine whilst being watched this way--this is the best I can do. And he strolls out of the lavatory holding his head high and carrying his little radio making note of all the stunned people who just look at him attentively noting how much physical strain he’s been through. Then they look behind him and notice the visibly shocked lavatory attendant holding the urine sample far out in front of him and visibly ready to cry. Dave says that on average one in ten lavatory attendants quits on the spot after he leaves and most of the time they ride down with him in the elevator looking on in complete amazement.

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